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Top Billing for the Clippers

By Pauly

Los Angeles, CA

Friday night. Hollywood. The hottest ticket in town all week was The Book of Mormon. $300 fucking bucks and no one gets naked. On Friday, every hoops fan in SoCal along with everyone who wanted to be seen scrambled to grab a last-minute ticket to the Lakers/Clippers. The two battled downtown at the Staples Center. Theatre geeks took second billing to the oversized jocks. The Clippers/Lakers were the hottest ticket in town.

On Halloween, a nosebleed ticket to Clippers-Grizzlies in Sec 322 was selling for 50 fucking cents. The same ticket to Lakers-Clippers cost $100. Seriously. Those damn Lakers fans drove up the prices. Celebrity-driven economics. Fuck Milton Fucking Friedman and the fucking elitist Lakers. The Lakers are like the snooty, stuck-up rich kids with the pop collars in those John Hughes 80s flicks…. while the Clippers are the “loser, long-haired stoner outcasts.”

Guess which team I like better? The Lakers… obviously… because their fans have better blow.

Just kidding. When I go to shitty Hollywood parties, I sneak into bathrooms when Lakers fans are ripping lines I work out a deal in which they let me inhale the rest of the their stash and I promise to hook them up with Goyte tickets because I  used to be in an improv class with the drummer’s sister’s cousin’s ketamine dealer. Lakers fans are not bright, but they have great blow and as I’m leaving the bathroom I kindly remind them that Kobe was an ass-pirate.

Screw those passe coke fiends. I’m Team Stoner and bleed Clippers’s red. Or is it blue? All I know is it ain’t canary yellow or Grimace purple. Yeah, the Lakers have a team color based on a fucking McDonald’s character.

I’m a Clippers fan because it suits me well as a medicinal marijuana patient. My doctor in San Francisco prescribed me California homegrown to help with chronic insomnia. Sometimes, I enjoy my medicine before I watch a basketball game. It helps relax me, otherwise I’d be bouncing off the walls screaming at the zebras for calling tickey-tack fouls on CP3, which pisses off my neighbor while she practices her violin.

NYC. Frankenstorm aftermath. It’s ugly. No water. No electricity. No gas. Just a million irate New Yorkers who could care less about the marathon and a bunch of runners with Kenyan passports. The only Kenyan-born person New Yorkers want to hear from is El Presidente Obama and his army of FEMA rescue robots. But the marathon was all everyone was talking about. Somewhere along the way, originally defiant Supreme Chancellor Bloomberg got strong-armed by goodfellas (the proverbial horse head in the bed often shapes the mind of politicians along with threats that runners would be beat up by homeless, starving, Staten Islanders with baseball bats and lots of vowels in their last names). Chancellor Bloomberg finally came to his senses and cancelled the NYC Marathon. While that marathon drama fed the MSM vultures for a couple of hours, the Knicks-Miami game went on as scheduled even though many fans (and players) felt Bloomberg should’ve postponed the game too.

But they played on. Otherwise if we don’t play basketball, then the terrorists win. Opening night and the Knicks whooped the world champions Miami Heat in a frenetic game at refurbished Madison Square Garden. I missed hearing the guy playing the organ and “DEEEEEEEE-FENSE!” chants echoing through MSG. My girlfriend remarked that she thought it was super cool the organ guy played the occasional rift from Elton John’s Bennie and the Jets.

Miami looked slow and stiff from the onset. Mellow Melo got off to a smoking start. The Knicks built up an early lead and never looked back, dropping 19 treys from downtown. I mean, how can anyone leave Steve Novak wide open time after time? Knicks won by 20. Shocker. We bet the under….which came in. I could not have been happier with the results. Felt good to watch a game without ripping out my hair (what’s left of it).

Chicago Bulls gave the Cavs an ass kicking. I didn’t check in on that game until the final score. We easily covered -3.

The basketball gods continue to bless James Harden. Fear the beard! 45 points from Harden and he didn’t even look like he was trying. So effortless. More impressive? Harden only missed 5 shots (14-19 from the field). Linsanity was running wild again… the wicked smart Lin missed a triple double (21 points, 12 rebs, 7 assists). Houston took down Atlanta 109-102 and improved to 2-0. We got screwed because both teams scored over 100 points. HAL420 the simulator gave us a number below 200. We lost the Under 203.

Then we got the bad news Charlotte Bobkittens beat Indiana. Wait what? Indiana handed them the one point win. We were laying 6.5. Indiana put on an old-fashioned demonstration on how to shit the bed… they committed 17 turnovers and missed 19 three pointers (shot 27% from downtown). But nothing tilts me harder than missed free throws. 16 for 27. That’s 59.3%. Are you fucking shitting me?

Hit your fucking free throws!

A professional hoops team should not shoot under 75%. Anything less is inexcusable. One single free throw was the difference between a humiliating loss and a second-life in overtime. Shit, if Indiana made two three-points and two free throws, I’d be kissing their asses for covering the spread! They lost to the Bobkittens by one friggin’ point.

At that point, we were 2-2 for the night. Another break even night. I couldn’t end the night like that. I felt the itch for more action. Only game left was the Lakers-Clippers. I couldn’t get a cheap ticket, so I was going to watch the game at home while taking another dosage of medicine. When I got confirmation Steve Nash was out, we jumped on the Clippers even though the Lakers were a home dog getting +1.

The Clippers prevailed and CP3 dazzled Tinsel Town with 16 points and 15 assists. I’m glad those douchenozzles dropped thousands of bucks in courtside tickets only to watch the Lakers lose and fall to 0-3. The Clippers are 2-0 and in first place as the toast of the town. Viva Los Clippers! This bong’s for you, brahs.

We ended a freaky Friday 3-2 and 6-5 overall since the season started.

I GET HIGH FROM A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS…. Last night I should’ve listened to St. Louis Tommy. He tipped me off to Ohio. I shrugged off college football in favor of NFL. A lot good that got me. On Friday, I listened to my friends when they offered me a tip. Our Pac-12 expert, JW liked his alma mater UW +4 in a Friday Night game against CAL. I couldn’t pull the trigger them at +4 (six losses in a row on the road), but HAL420 liked the UNDER 51… so we jumped on it. The CAL Golden Bears kept turning the ball over and UW pulled off an upset on the road.

Filed under Clippers Fear the Beard Knicks Melo NBA Bobkittens